Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Fourth Mama


So much has changed since August 15th. Eliza is stronger, bigger, brighter and funnier than ever. Always confident, she now seems to feel as we do, that this life is simply how it's always been. But as happy and well adjusted as we believe her to be, she reminded us recently that she has not forgotten her past. A week or so before Christmas I looked around expecting to see her following me from the kitchen. When I didn't see her, I went to find her tucked into the small hallway that leads from our kitchen to the back door, pantry and basement. On the pantry we keep a bulletin board with random things attached (as is the story of most bulletin boards). She was intently staring up at something tacked there which included a large print out of the travel approval and also a photo of Eliza and her nanny taken at the orphanage after we sent her the care package. I asked her "what are you looking at, honey?" and she started to point and grunt. She was pointing at the picture of her and her nanny. Walter and I looked at each other trying to determine if she was recognizing her nanny after all this time, or simply noticing herself in a photo. (We had shown her photos of her nanny often in the beginning but never got much of a reaction). So I took the photo and lowered it so she could see it better (and touch it) and she immediately pressed her finger against it multiple times and again, grunted something only she understood.
Then I asked, "Who is that, Eliza?" and without hesitation her finger landed on the nanny and she said, "Mama".
Walter and I gasped and looked at one another. "Mama" is what the children call their nannies. I wanted to be sure she was recognizing her nanny after so long so I asked again, "who is that, Eliza?" and again she said "Mama" and and what she did next broke our hearts. She kissed the photo, something that she has done with our photos before.

There are moments in life -- blink! -- that can change your perspective entirely. Everything you thought you knew, changes. This was one of those rare moments. It wasn't that we had forgotten that Eliza's early life was marked by loss and grief, and it wasn't even that we entirely believed that she had forgotten it (although we hoped). But she is still a baby, just over two, and a long time has passed since she lived with her nanny mama (a quarter of her life in fact) and because she can't tell us how she feels, we just didn't keep it top of mind, especially as time continued to pass. But it that very continuation of time that makes this moment so remarkable. It isn't just what it said about Eliza's memory, it is what it says of all children and their early ability to love and attach, long before they have words to express those feelings. I don't know how to best explain how I felt in this moment other to say that I truly believe we were given a gift. We are grateful for Eliza every single day but in this moment, we realized how truly blessed we are to be the able to love her and not have to leave her. As Walter said afterwards, "you are her fourth mama". And it's true. She was with her birth mother for six months (we presume) prior to coming to the orphanage and then she was with her nanny mama for well over a year. After that she spent two months with her foster mom (who gifted to Eliza a red string and jade ankle bracelet which we haven't taken off of her yet). When Eliza kissed the photo it had been four months since she'd seen her nanny mama and six months since she lived in the orphanage with her as her caregiver. Again, that's a quarter of her life spent away from her nanny and yet, she hadn't forgotten her. She remembers her face, and more importantly, she remembers her love for her (and hers in return).

As I repeated this story over the course of the next few days, it brought tears to my eyes each time. And as I write it now, I am welling up again. The surge of love and need for protection that I felt for my child in that simple moment is indescribable. The gratitude I feel for those first mamas that loved and shaped our baby girl is overwhelming.

In the first weeks after we brought her home, when her character and charm and personality (to spare!) made everyone she met fall in love with her, I kept saying, "I can take no credit for who she is". And it's true. That credit goes to Eliza's first caretakers, those women who loved her and had to give her up. The truth is, we don't know anything about her first mamas, other than her nanny at the orphanage. And I have seen for myself that children come out of the womb with their own individual personalities, before any of us humans lay a finger on them, but I also know that our touch can help them to blossom or to whither and because of who Eliza is now, it seems clear to me that her first mamas showered her with love and love and love.

To those women, Eliza's nanny mama that we met, and the two other mamas that we will never know ... thank you, thank you, thank you. My wish for you is that somehow, by God's grace, you know that Eliza is well and that she loves you still.